Friday I got an email from my son’s 4^th grade teacher. In it, she wrote, “By the way, I respect the way you and Matt work together on Christian’s behalf!  He is lucky to have two parents that care so much!” I immediately sent Matt, my son’s father, a text message relaying the compliment and giving him kudos. It was such a proud moment for me, because it hasn’t always been easy to get to this place.

Co-parenting can be difficult, and it is for most people. You and your ex are no longer one parenting unit; you are two individuals working towards the same goal of raising a happy and healthy child. Most single parents forget this common goal, and things get ugly. When you lose sight of the goal, co-parenting becomes an absolute nightmare. Emotions and past differences can enter the picture, and all of a sudden you are hanging up on one another, arguing about issues that have nothing to do with parenting, and spending most of your time generally hating each other. Co-parenting does not have to be a horrendous experience. When you find a way to successfully co-parent, it makes life much easier for you and your ex, and most importantly, it makes life easier for your child.

Matt and I have been co-parenting from separate homes for the last 7 ½ years. It hasn’t always been the friendly, supportive, successful relationship that it is now. It took us a few years to adjust to this new partnership. It didn’t just take time; it took putting aside our differences, our pride, and our righteousness to focus on the goal. The goal is always the same: a happy and healthy child. It always comes back to the happiness and the health of the child. That’s it. If you can remember this, you are on your way to creating a successful co-parenting partnership.

There are some things to keep in mind on this journey to a creating a successful partnership with your ex. Some are simple, and some are very, very difficult. But if you truly have your child’s best interest in mind, they will be easy to overcome.

Forget the Past

The first step is the hardest. Your relationship has ended for a reason. One, if not both parties, have gotten hurt, hearts have been devastated. It is not easy to let those feelings go. You have heard the saying, “Forgiven, but not forgotten.” We are working with the opposite. You do not have to forgive your ex-husband for cheating or your ex-girlfriend for leaving you in pursuit of greener pastures. You just have to forget it. The hurt and resentment you feel will not help you in your desire to have a successful co-parenting relationship. This won’t happen overnight, but continuously reminding yourself that you are forgetting the hurt and the betrayal for the sake of your child will gradually help you forget.

Talk It Out

Once you have decided to keep the negative history of the relationship in the past, where it belongs, talk to your ex about it. Let them know that you want to create a positive working relationship for the sake of your child. Let him or her know that you are willing to put the past in the past and move forward as business partners with a common interest. Sometime you have to be the bigger person here. It is not always easy to have this conversation. Express to your ex how much better your child’s life can be with two parents who are on the same team, and back each other up. The continuity from house to house makes a transition for a child so much easier. If you and your ex have a good working relationship, you will communicate more often and be more knowledgeable about your child’s life while at the other parent’s house. You will be setting a great example for your child, showing them the importance of working with others to achieve a common goal. Let your ex know how important this is to you and how beneficial this will be to your child.

Stay on Topic

Once you and your ex have decided to work towards a successful co-parenting relationship, you need to keep communication strictly on topic. If you stray away from discussing your child, chances are high that you will revert to conversations that dredge up disagreement and hurt. Only talk about relevant information. This is very important in the beginning. Personal conversations are off limits in the beginning. I mean, do you really care how his new girlfriend is doing? Probably not.

Test the Waters Occasionally

If you and the ex have been doing well working towards your goal and communicating with one another without starting World War III, test the water every so often. Start small. Ask how his job is going. Ask how her mother is. Try a topic that doesn’t involve any “hot topics” from your past relationship. If the two of you can have a cordial conversation about something topical, congratulations! You are making steps towards positive co-parenting.

Work as a Team

Being part of a successful co-parenting partnership does not mean that you take your child to the park together on Sundays or that you go on family vacations together. It means that both parties can put aside personal feelings and convictions for the betterment of the child’s life. You are working towards birthday parties with both sides of the family again, both parents in the stands at every basketball game, and both parents on the same team whenever your child needs support and encouragement. You want your child to see you as that one parenting unit again, even though you are in two separate homes.

Everyone’s definition of successful co-parenting will be different. Matt and I have gotten to a point in the last four years where we are actually friends again. But being a successful co-parent does not mean you have to be friends with your ex; you just need to be able to put the past behind you and work towards a positive future for your child. When you are able to do this, the emotional well being of your child will improve tenfold, and everyone involved will be much more happy.

By Bill Zito

“Why were you kissing her!?!??” 

It was a G-rated kiss, but I’ll admit it, I got reckless. I wasn’t careful enough and I didn’t see my daughter C.J. looking out the living room window watching as I said goodbye to Erin.

“You were kissing her!!!” 

My daughter had never yelled at me so I admit I was a bit taken aback when the shrieking question pierced an otherwise serene Sunday afternoon.  It was a shame to some extent. Erin and I had worked hard to keep the nature of our association under wraps, particularly from C.J. We were quiet, covert, and even somewhat clandestine at times, and I’m pretty sure we could have remained that way for quite awhile.

In the end, after months of peeking around doorways, I was the one who blew it, and I’m really glad I did.

A little history
In the months then years following the sudden death of her mother, my daughter would drag me into the TV room begging me to watch a selection from her growing library of widowed dad movies.  Sitting through “Dan in Real Life,” “Love, Actually,” ”Jersey Girl,” and of course “Sleepless in Seattle,” I saw what I thought was an obvious pattern of “Let’s Get Dad a Date” themes.

C.J. was always rooting for Steve Carell, Ben Affleck, or Tom Hanks to get together with a wonderful woman and walk off hand in hand with her (with the precocious child in tow, of course.) Though monotonous at times, it did offer me a small sense of comfort that looking into the foreseeable future, there might be one domestic drama I may not have to deal with.

But naturally, that’s just Hollywood.

IS SHE YOUR GIRLFRIEND?             

“Well, honey…I guess in a word…um...kinda…sort of. “

At that point I was ignoring my own contempt for the label “girlfriend.” You hit your forties and finding comfortable relationship terminology isn’t easy. I guess I’d prefer to be just a tad older so using “companion” or “lady-friend” would be enough to quell the critics.

I took from C.J. exactly what I had coming to me. There certainly was a sense of betrayal, and I had to own up to my errors in judgment. I also learned that parenting on any level is sometimes trial and error, and admitting you’ve made a mistake isn’t the same as surrendering authority.

So, C.J. and I talked, and it developed into a series of clever dialogues, each one better than the last. I admit, it was a bit contentious at times. I’m a former police officer so sometimes these question and answer sessions could take on the flavor of an interrogation session if left to their own course. Interestingly it was my daughter who took on the verbal strategy of “Bad Cop, Bad Cop.” Apparently she hadn’t read the instruction book and I was subjected to demands of, “Why didn’t you tell me,” “How long has it been this way,” and most critically, “What about my mom?”

It wasn’t easy in the beginning. C.J. was five, sharp for her age but still five, when her mom died. I was forty-two going on ten. I had been married to an amazing woman who managed to take care of just about everything at home and at her job and still allow me the freedom to occasionally behave like a juvenile delinquent when the mood struck me.  That all came to an abrupt halt when we lost C.J’s mom.

Over time, with the help from family and friends, I was able to get back to work and find a new routine.  Eventually, I even managed to sneak out for a few social evenings without my daughter.  I often called them “dinners,” and CJ, home with the sitter, grew ever suspicious.  I didn’t always explain to her that I was going on dates. I wasn’t sure if she was ready for that . . . . I wasn’t sure if I was ready.  At that time I figured omission to be the better part of valor to best maintain harmony at home. I had only been out on a couple of dates before I started dating Erin, and prior to that, I didn’t see any reason to bring anyone home for CJ’s approval.

Breaking bread and breaking the ice

When the time came, I didn’t have to hastily introduce my girlfriend to my then 7-year-old daughter; they already knew each other.   Erin and I worked in the same office, and she was among the most helpful of workplace supporters to emerge after my wife died. Erin would visit with us, help with childcare when I was in a jam, and take C.J. shopping when she needed another gal’s opinion.  The mood was always light, and it soon became almost a daily occurrence for C.J. to ask, “When is Erin coming over again?”  But at that time, she really was simply the friend and not “the girlfriend.”

When we were all together, a lot of our time was spent in the kitchen.  The three of us would often have dinner; it became a regular occurrence. Erin would help CJ with her homework, and I would cook.  It was nice to set another place at the table. 

As our relationship grew stronger, Erin became the exception to the rule. C.J. liked having her around and wasn’t afraid she would take her mom’s place.   However, the reclassification from friend to girlfriend still required quite a bit of discussion and even some negotiation. 

We took these issues one by one, over time, and while dealing with C.J.’s feelings and worries I also introduced the idea that it wasn’t always easy for me or Erin either. Much like the difficulties trying to establish one’s place in an already up and running organization, standing in the shadow of a treasured wife and mother offers its own obstacles.

A practical solution…THE TRUTH

I resisted the temptation to try and “sell” the new relationship as I would some lengthy car trip or other potentially unpleasant experience. 

Instead, I told my daughter story after story about her mom, stories of us together, before and after she was born. Those endless tales, complemented by a wealth of home video helped solidify her image of us as a family even in her mom’s absence. The first time I heard C.J. proudly relating one of those very same stories to Erin, I knew I had finally done something right.

After the relationship was out in the open, it made no sense for me to try and hide things from my daughter.  When concerns about Erin’s role in my life came up, C.J. and I discussed them.  It took quite a bit of reassuring, but I just explained to C.J. that having Erin around didn’t make her mom any less her mom, and it certainly didn’t mean that our father-daughter relationship would change. 

When C.J. finally realized that having Erin around was no longer a threat, it made things a lot easier for the adults to have an evening out without protest or guilt, though I still find myself looking up at the living room window as I walk in the door.

Bill Zito lives north of New York City in a rural enough setting to have bear, deer and wild turkey as frequent visitors in his front yard. A former Police Officer, he spent the last decade as a Producer, Editor and Writer for national and local news organizations on both U.S. coasts. He’s held a number of official titles, Dad, being the most significant and rewarding of them all.

billzito@hotmail.com

In the world of dating, you may find the person of your dreams. Sometimes that person may have a child.  Such is the situation I have found myself in. I am a childless 27-year-old guy dating a 30-year-old woman who has a 9-year-old son.  I have always wanted children, so initially the fact that she had a child didn’t scare me. It turns out that just wanting kids didn’t mean that I knew what I was doing. Although this has been a wonderful time in my life, it has also been a learning experience. In this article I will pass along a few tips for those of you dating single parents, or for you single parents to pass on to the significant other in your life.

Don’t expect to be part of the child’s life immediately. 
Do not push this issue. It is up to the person you are dating to decide when you will meet and spend time with their child.  I am not saying that you will never meet their child, but give it time.  It is a scary thing for a single parent to bring new people into their child’s life.  In my case, my girlfriend and I were “just friends” around her son for the first few months. She always made sure that her son was okay with me coming over and would ask if he would like all of us to do something together.  This worked out for us.  Her son and I have never had issues because he knew me as a friend first, not some other man vying for his mom’s attention.

Don’t expect to come first. 
I have always known this, so it was not a shock once our relationship progressed. The child will always come first.  You will have some alone time, which will be great, but much of a single parent’s life is their child.  Don’t be put off by someone who does not give you 100 percent of them all the time.  It is easy to think you will never have any alone time, but you would be surprised when you look back and see how much time you do have alone. My girlfriend and I spend a lot of time together.  It is not always a night out; it might just be a dinner at home and watching TV together.  We do get the occasional date night, but it is also a great time when we take her son along with us and all have fun together.

Don’t try to be mom or dad. 
It is not your place to be the mom or dad in your partner’s child’s life.  While the last thing you want to do is try to parent your partner’s child, you can still be a good role model.  What I have learned is to be there for the child, talk with them not to them, and have a good time together.  There may be times where it may just be you and the child, and in this situation, it is especially important to remember that you are not the parent. You are more like a babysitter; you have to respect what your partner tells you to do, but take the opportunity to have fun with the child as well. In times throughout my relationship with my girlfriend, I have watched her son, always making sure that her rules were clear before she went out.  Don’t be afraid to ask questions and give a report of what went on when you were watching their child.  

These are just a few of the things I have learned so far throughout our relationship. There are many more things that I hope to learn and will learn along the way.  I hope you can take from this and learn more from your own experience. Don’t be scared to get into a relationship with a single parent. Just remember that it may not be the same as what you may be used to.

How can you assure that your child remains a child of wonder during what can be a stressful time for us adults?

Take a look at the traditions you and your family continue.

There was a story about a woman who cut the ends of the ham off before putting it into the oven. One day her son asked her why she did that.  She replied that it was what her mother had done, so that is how she learned. In the infinite wisdom and tenacity of children, again her son asked, “But, why?” She thought for a moment, could not come up with a reply, so picked up the phone and called her mother. Her own mother came up with the same reply that she had; that it was the way her mother had done it, so she had always done it that way. So this time, the mother of the young son called her own grandmother to answer the burning question. Grandma replied, “Because the ham wouldn’t fit in my small oven.” Years of tradition that no longer held any validity.

When scheduling activities for the holidays, stop and consider if this is something that works for you and your child. Several years ago, I discarded the baking of holiday cookies. I know I did not need to eat the extra calories sitting around the house, and neither did my children. It was an activity that held no meaning for us. Sure, there are times when my children and I bake cookies together, but we do it occasionally throughout the year, not as a task during the holidays.

Start new traditions that work for your family’s unique situation.

A friend of mine from divorced parents married a man who was also from divorced parents. The first few years of their marriage, they managed to attend five family holiday dinners (Grandma’s too) on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. When they had children, they realized the insanity of it all, and told everyone they were hosting their own event. If the grandparents wanted to see the grandkids on that day, they would need to come to their house.

If you and your child are being inundated with invitations for the holidays and feel compelled to spend time with each person involved, consider hosting your own event or celebration, where all who love and care for you and your child can come. You won’t be spreading yourself thin between different events, you can relax and enjoy yourself in the comfort of your own home. It doesn’t have to be a difficult thing to do, just vacuum the house and ask everyone to bring their favorite potluck dish. You get to arrange it around nap time and pick a date that works for you.

New traditions don’t have to be confined to family celebrations. In this tight economy, consider making gifts. Do a small craft project with your child and give them as Christmas ornaments. Every year I hang a picture frame made of popsicle sticks that my grown nephew made when he was five. It is precious to me. Not only will loved ones get something made from your child’s own hand, but it will let your child sit, relax and create, in the midst of what could be a time of whirlwind activities. Children love to be creative and feel proud of their accomplishments. Give them the opportunity to shine and to give from their heart and soul.

Communicate with your child’s other parent.

While every parenting situation is unique, most parents want what is best for their children. If you want to scale down the festivities of the holidays, talk with your child’s other parent. Decide between the two of you, who will take him to cut the Christmas tree, and who will help him string the popcorn. Maybe you want your child to experience the fullness of the holidays, and not miss any of the traditions. That’s fine, but he doesn’t need to do them all twice to fulfill your ideal of tradition.

Also communicate about gifts for your child. Often a non-custodial parent may go overboard on gifts. Try to make an agreement between the two of you on what would be appropriate, not only in the number of gifts, but on the value of the gifts.

No matter what, respect the other parent.

Life and relationships can get messy. Whether your single parent-ness was a circumstance you chose or was chosen for you, your child has you and his other parent and the two of you will be his parents forever. The best gift you can give your child is to treat his other parent with respect. Don’t speak ill of your ex. Take the high road, and make sure your child has a gift for his other parent. By doing so, you allow him to show the love he feels inside freely. The gift doesn’t need to be extravagant, it can be something homemade.

Be a role model.

The holidays are meant to be a joyful time, but so often we tell ourselves, “I can’t wait to get through the holidays.” They weren’t meant to be muddled through but to be experienced. Your attitude can easily be transferred to your child, through no particular intent of your own. Children are young and look to you to know how to react to different situations. Don’t you want for them to grow up enjoying the magic of the holidays, the feeling of closeness with family, instead of the drudge and endless parade of activities that can easily overwhelm ones so young? If you are being overwhelmed, stop, and breathe deep. Choose how to react.

Take time for yourself.

Being a single parent can be very stressful. It is important, now more than ever, to take time for yourself and relax and recharge. It is not a selfish thing to do, but a selfless thing to do. If you are a happier more balanced person, you will be a better parent. You will have more patience, and more energy to deal with what comes your way. The time you take for yourself can be spent however you choose, but let it serve you, and not be an opportunity where you try to fit in one more task for the holidays. Take a bubble bath, sit and watch the game, get a pedicure, arrange to meet your friends for Happy Hour – whatever it is that allows you to sit and just be, not do.

Most important, keep in mind the intent of the holiday celebrations – whether for you that is family, or a spiritual celebration, or an attitude of gratitude. The holidays are meant to celebrate these emotions, these attitudes, not to be an endless parade of meaningless activities. Celebrate, be in the moment, be there for your children and let them feel the magic of the holidays.

Rena Tuttle is an author and certified professional life coach with a background in early childhood education.  Check out her website at www.RenaTuttle.com

It’s the little details that count!

It’s that beautiful time of year again. Family is getting together, office and holiday party invitations are being sent in the mail, and we’re all starting to size up those boxes in our storage areas.

I just love the feeling of putting on some good music, lighting an apple-cinnamon candle and going through my boxes of holiday décor. Every time I open one of the tattered boxes, it’s like a small trip down memory lane. I love remembering where certain decorations came from and putting my favorite trinkets in their spoken-for positions in my home.

Just about that time, I start thinking about hosting a gathering. I love friends, I love decorating, and I love a fun party!

I don’t think that the best parties are the most expensive ones, and I don’t think that the best parties have to be catered or very fancy. I think that the absolute best parties are the ones where I share good laughs with friends, where I get to feel pretty and all dressed up, where I pay attention to the small details, and where I find myself thinking afterwards, “What a wonderful night!”

The thing about throwing a good party is that you have to give yourself a bit of time to be creative, especially if you don’t have a ton of cash to throw around.

Decorate: Keep it simple and sparkly! For your centerpiece, find one large and one small Mason jar (or two cylinder vases), two teacup saucers to place on top of them, some fun jar filler of your choice and two candles. I always find that if I look outdoors, I can find plenty of filler for my table. Look for pinecones and spray a bit of glue on the tips, then dip them in a little glitter. How about some faux snow and colorful mini-ornaments. Get creative with your holiday palette. While red, green and gold are classic for the holidays, lime green, orange, purple and silver can be just as fantastic and eye catching beyond belief.

Dress: I know we all love to go shopping for the perfect holiday outfit, but really, with all the gifts, food for entertaining, the heating bill and other miscellaneous items, we’re usually left with little extra cash to go shopping for ourselves.

The little black dress . . . it’s sexy, festive and you can change it up at least a few different ways. If you’ve got one in your closet, wear it. Don’t buy a new one, just spice up the one you have. Get some pretty gold and hot pink beads from your local craft store. In only twenty minutes, you can string them up in three different lengths and put those pretties on. Then, think about some vintage clip on earrings or jewels that you have tucked away. Get out those boring ole’ black shoes and clip them on! The more the merrier in this case. Your feet will be ready to ring in the New Year, in style

Drink: Try a signature drink. This keeps cost down on trying to please everyone’s different tastes. Whether you choose a G-rated drink or one of your slick and fancy martinis, don’t let it go unnoticed. For larger glasses, put fresh cranberries and those little silver, edible cake decorating balls in your ice tray (combine with water of course) and freeze them up. They will look festive and classy—a perfect combination in my book! For smaller drinks, like martinis that don’t require ice cubes, find some small twigs from your back yard. I know it sounds a little strange to be putting a stick into your friends’ glass, but imagine the conversation piece you’ve created when their olives are on an actual twig. Happy holidays, friends! Olive you!

Eat: I am not a cook. If it goes in the oven, I burn it. If it gets mixed in, I mix in too much. Trust me when I say that I keep it pretty simple. One thing I do pay attention to is how the food looks. Bread bowls and dip always look fantastic and very gourmet. Instead of just using the bread from the cut, try some colorful, organic chips. They look beautiful surrounding the bread bowl. Remember, it’s those small details that count. Make sure to use your pretty bowls or serving platters for all of your prepared dishes.

Give: So, you’ve decorated your home or table to host a gathering and want it to be memorable and personalized. Remember that it’s not how much you spend on each other, but really the time you spend with one another. Make those moments and memories count. Plan for a seating chart at the table. Wrap and place a small box at each place setting. Inside, write your guest a holiday wish or small note that let’s them know how much you appreciate them. Put a beautiful, stamped name tag on the box with the coordinating note. Trust me, this memento will last much longer and speak much louder than anything that you can buy at the department store.

I hope that you can use some of these thrifty and special ideas to brighten your holiday. Remember, it’s doesn’t have to be expensive to be great; it has to be special and well thought out to be great!

Cheers!

Amy Thackery

Rare Byrd Creative

www.rarebyrdcreative.com

Question: My preschool age child and I just moved to a new town where we don’t know many people. I know we both need to make friends, but I work full time so Mommy and Me type groups are out of the question. How can we both make new friends?

Dr. Knope: If you tend to be somewhat introverted, this can be a daunting task.  Your level of introversion or extroversion will affect how you want to approach this dilemma. Some people are comfortable knocking on their neighbors’ doors to introduce themselves, and some people are not so inclined. Starting from a framework close to home and moving into your larger community is one way to consider the options of meeting new friends.

Your neighborhood is a great place to begin, as your neighbors are obviously readily accessible geographically. If you live in an apartment, visiting the common areas (like a playground or swimming pool) or just hanging out in the places where children are playing can create opportunities for meeting your neighbors. Or, if you live in a house, asking your neighbors which families nearby have young children and looking for homes that have play equipment in the yard and introducing yourself to these neighbors is a good place to start. Going for walks in the neighborhood in the evenings and on weekends can create the opportunity to stop and greet children and their parents who may be outside playing and/or doing yard work. Inviting neighbors to a barbecue or potluck in the common space in your apartment complex or local playground can be a way to meet and get to know other families as well as to encourage community at the same time.

Another way to meet other families is to go to your local park or swimming pool (indoor or outdoor), looking for opportunities to chat with other parents. Signing your child up for a structured class on a Saturday (swimming, gymnastics, art, science) is another way to meet other parents with children about the same age as yours. Noticing which children your child seeks out in his/her play at the local playground and greeting their parents can be fruitful. Some communities have structured play groups for working parents. And, some communities have organized groups who provide structured activities for single parents.

In the larger community, your child’s day care provider or preschool is another place where you might meet other parents with young children. Some programs offer support groups or activities for families. Some pediatricians offer lectures or classes for parents. And, churches can be as solid source of support for families. Libraries often offer programs, special events, and story hours. Cultural events in your community (like festivals and parades) can also create opportunities for families to meet. Other communities have babysitting co-ops, which provide babysitting exchanges between members. Most of the babysitting co-ops offer social opportunities as well.

If your community does not offer the kind of support that you are seeking, consider starting a group of your own. This can be done by posting a flyer at your local library, grocery store, or day care centers, or online through parenting websites or sites like MeetUp.com.

About the Author

Dr. Lynne Knope is a licensed psychologist specializing in treating children, families, and adults. She provides treatment for general mental health concerns, including those related to transition and grief. Her practice is located in the Clackamas area, just outside Portland, Oregon. In addition to a doctoral degree in psychology, she has a master’s degree in Special Education, and a portion of her practice includes providing services for individuals with special needs, including learning disabilities, autism, ADHD, and developmental concerns. She has served as the clinical director of Children Made Visible, a support program for children and families of the incarcerated; has worked at The Dougy Center, coordinating groups and providing training for support groups for children who have experienced the death of a family member; and has worked in community mental health clinics. Dr. Knope is both a step-parent and a biological parent, and she has children ranging from 15-34 years of age.

Question: My son is getting in trouble at school, but behaves well at home. What is going on? How can I put an end to this?

Dr. Knope: Children behave in particular ways for many different reasons.  Coming to understand what is troubling your son is necessary to resolve the behavioral difficulties he is experiencing. For example, is he struggling to understand some aspect of his school work? Is someone taking his lunch money and threatening to beat him up if he tells? Is he depressed or anxious about something that is going on at home? Is he signaling that he has experienced some kind of trauma that he has not yet been able to talk about? Finding out about the underlying issue is essential to working this through.

Often, children do not know what is bothering them. If he is unable (for whatever reason) to discuss what is bothering him with you, many schools have counselors who are available to assist with these kinds of problems. Or, seeking the services of a private mental health professional may be helpful. Once you know something about why he is upset, at best you can go about resolving the issue. At least, you can help him to feel and understand his feelings regarding the issue. Knowing that you care enough to ask him about what is upsetting him will foster feelings of both being cared for and understood. When this is the case, he may be more likely to share his reality with you.

Most often, children’s behavior problems at school are due to difficulties in that setting. Sometimes though, when a child does not feel safe to discuss issues with their parent, they may act out at school, where they are likely to be noticed. School might be perceived as a place where they can get the support that they may not feel is available to them at home.

It is always important not to simply seek to change your child’s problematic behavior, as the behavioral problems are only a symptom of a problem, not the problem itself. But, if managing the behavior is the only approach taken, and the underlying problem is not addressed, then the symptom will simply shift into a different problematic behavior. Your child will feel unseen and the negative patterns will most likely become more entrenched, and thus more difficult to unravel and resolve, with significant collateral damage as a result.

About the Author

Dr. Lynne Knope is a licensed psychologist specializing in treating children, families, and adults. She provides treatment for general mental health concerns, including those related to transition and grief. Her practice is located in the Clackamas area, just outside Portland, Oregon. In addition to a doctoral degree in psychology, she has a master’s degree in Special Education, and a portion of her practice includes providing services for individuals with special needs, including learning disabilities, autism, ADHD, and developmental concerns. She has served as the clinical director of Children Made Visible, a support program for children and families of the incarcerated; has worked at The Dougy Center, coordinating groups and providing training for support groups for children who have experienced the death of a family member; and has worked in community mental health clinics. Dr. Knope is both a step-parent and a biological parent, and she has children ranging from 15-34 years of age.

Prepare to be shocked when I tell you that this single mama is not waiting around for Mr. Right. It’s not that I don’t believe in love. It’s just that I truly believe life doesn’t have to be any better than it is right now, so waiting around is simply not part of the equation.

I’ve been a single parent for close to four years now, and I love it. What trips me up, though, is convincing all the other people in my life who all seem to believe that single parenthood is a waiting game with a happy coupled ending at the finish.

These messages come in the form of support from friends, who assure me my financial life will be more stable when I have a partner sharing the bills. They come from distant family members from whom I hear comments about how having a partner is just so secure. They come in questions from my daughter about exactly when she’s going to have a stepdad.

But for each of the reasons those around me give for why I should be scouring the dating scene, I have one or more reasons why I don’t need to. I choose to focus on what I do have and how fulfilling life already is.

The Money Game

I didn’t sign up for being a single parent from the get go, but now that it is my reality, I am embracing it as a gift. Being a single parent means fewer compromises and fewer disagreements about how the home should be run. It means being completely in charge of my own destiny.

When it comes to money, it means not blaming someone else when there’s not enough at the end of the month. It means learning to be disciplined about not over-spending, and getting to splurge on whatever I want when I manage to meet my financial goals. I used to find myself blaming my partner for all of our financial failures. That resulted in me not working on ways I myself could pinch pennies because, obviously, everything was his fault. Now I know it’s all me, in both consequence and reward.

Taming Emotions

Then there’s the emotional element to having a partner. I admit, this might be the hardest part to fake when you’re doing it all on your own. When you have had a bad day, it’s nice to have someone waiting to coax you off the ledge with a pot of tea, soothing words, and your favorite bar of chocolate. Sounds dreamy, right? The truth is many partnered people think it sounds dreamy too—because it never happens to them either.

It’s easy to expect the world from your partner, and when you don’t get it, you are disappointed. Instead of focusing on solving our own problems or taking care of ourselves in a special way, when partnered we expect others to do it for us. But when you’re single, and you don’t have a partner who you rely on to solve all your problems, you gain that strength from the person most equipped to deal with your problems, the one who knows them best: you.

Don’t get me wrong, a good support network is still vital. But you can pick and choose different people for different types of support. Your mom for parenting advice, say, and your best friend for blowing off steam about work. Spreading the support around a bit allows for a fresher perspective and one that likely won’t be tainted by the lingering drama about who didn’t do the dishes last night.

Society’s Role Models

There is also the little girl in my life who’s growing up in a world where the nuclear family is still the ideal. I ask myself what kind of example I am setting for her. But then I think about the successful childless women I know. She asks the same question of them that she asks of me. “When are you going to get married?”

Maybe it’s in her social conditioning to think that all women have to be married to be considered normal. A childless woman may spend most of her young life in a powerful job, with a great home and social life, and all of her materials needs taken care of by herself alone. But once she reaches a certain age, people begin to question what she’s doing with her life. Will she get married, have kids, settle down like the rest of the world? Or will she become the dreaded “old maid?”

And what about single dads? I hear similar stories from my male friends with kids about their families wringing their hands in hopes that their very capable sons will find new mates to help raise the little ones.

I ask myself, is this what we want our children growing up to believe? That if they are alone that they are less fulfilled? That they need a partner to be whole? This strengthens my resolve to give my daughter a role model who doesn’t just get by on her own, but one who thrives. And maybe even brags about it.

Still Feel Like You Are Missing Out?

I am blessed with ample opportunity to get out and about. While you won’t find me scouring the scene for potential dates, I do leave myself open to finding someone in the strangest place imaginable. That’s the fun of being single!

Still, I know some single parents feel they’re missing out because they’re not in a romantic relationship. They feel frustrated that they just don’t have time to date. To them I say, congratulations, your life is full indeed! While you might not have time to hit the bars or surf the dating sites, chances are you are spending time entertaining your kids. So why not spend some of that time in a new environment, meeting new people and giving your kids a new experience? From soccer teams, family art nights, community clean-up events, to the vintage penny arcade across town, there are so many ways to get involved in your community and widen your social network in a natural way. That leads to a richer life, first and foremost, but might also lead to meeting someone new.

If you approach life with the mentality that you are already whole and not a broken person looking for the other half, you may be surprised at the confident, giving, supportive people you attract everywhere you go.

Photo by Toni Greaves http://www.tonigreaves.com

About the Author

Nicole Vulcan is a writer, filmmaker, and marketing expert who lives in Portland, OR with her precocious six year old daughter. More on the adventures of this single parent raising her spirited daughter can be found on their candid blog, Raising a Revolutionary.

As a single parent it seems like you’re always pushed for time, and being the King or Queen of your family leaves little time for extracurricular activities. So, when the magical Time Fairy waves her wand and grants you the gift of a couple hours, or even an entire afternoon, you want to take full advantage of it! One of the activities that has undoubtedly crossed your mind, I’m sure, has been dating.

Yes, the mighty “D” word.

Now, keep in mind that I said “dating.” I didn’t say the “R” word, (relationship) or the newly coined phrase “lovership” (looking for a lover). I said “dating,” as in you meet someone online or in the grocery store who you think might be cool to hang out, someone who seems to meet your qualifications.

That being said, I want to share with you four dating tips that I’ve found helpful to make the most of your time when it comes to dating as a single parent.

Tip 1: Start Off Small
If you decide that you’re going to date someone, try not to make it a major thing. Be real with them and be real with yourself. Traditional dating is nice in some regards, but it can seem a bit messy in today’s instant information age.

Start off small, like meeting up for coffee or tea. Coffee is a great first date because it sets limits, it’s in a public location, and it allows for a quick exit if necessary. Something small like going out for coffee makes for a good “getting to know you” session. In addition to coffee being a safe place, I also suggest keeping the meeting to no more than half an hour, even if you’re having a good time.  The reason for this is because if there is an attraction, it’s going to be greatly magnified by the two of you missing each other. That might not make sense on the surface, but when it happens to you it will!

Tip 2: Getting The “Greatest Hits” Speech
When we first meet someone we have a tendency to get a list of their “Greatest Hits.” It doesn’t matter if they were successful in the past, are currently successful, or are going to be successful in the future, they are presently who they are based on the choices they made in the past.

I will admit it’s hard not to judge a person on any of these.  Really all you have are their words to go by, and if they seem interesting, you are more apt to want to spend time with them.  Let’s say they created their own business and it became successful, or they received a college degree after six years of work. Those are not only good signs that they know how to be successful, but they probably have some great life experience as well.

My point is that when you first meet someone you are bound to get the download of their “best stuff.” It’s not just them; we all have a tendency to do this. Please keep in mind that this isn’t a bad thing, just remember that you’re going to be exposed to their best side, and there are other sides to this person as well.

As with anything I highly recommend being as open and transparent with them as possible. You have nothing to lose if they don’t like you or the way you are.

Tip 3: Communication: Less Is More
When we meet someone we click with, it can be hard to get that person out of our head! That can be a good sign, we all know this feeling and we all want this feeling. Regardless of whether they fall into the “love and lust” category or the “friend and fellow” category or somewhere in between, you need to be careful about how much value you place on communication.

What I’m getting at is if someone doesn’t immediately return your phone call or a text message, it doesn’t necessarily mean that they don’t want to talk to you. There could be one of literally a thousand things going on with them.

And this applies to before the date as well. If you’re a guy who calls to confirm every half hour until the time you’re supposed to meet, she’s going to think you’re needy. Neediness when you first meet someone is very unattractive! Don’t start off in a “stalker” mode either by sending 20 text messages three days before your date. Once you fall into the category of “text message stalker” in someone’s mind, it is hard to change that perception.

Also, if you are going on a date with someone who is not a single parent, there is a good chance they don’t understand your time limitations. You might need to be sensitive about that and it always helps to be honest from the beginning.

Remember that the strongest relationships are the ones that evolve!

Tip 4: Avoid Chemistry Killers
If you feel chemistry on your date, make sure you don’t intentionally or unintentionally kill it. I’m talking about the normal stuff; chew with your mouth closed, look your date in the eye, and don’t talk too much about yourself!

Avoid things like talking about kids, or, Heaven forbid, your ex! Yes, it’s okay to tell them that you have kids, but they probably don’t really care if your daughter started using the toilet of if your boy just got an “A” in math! This might seem like a weird concept at first, but the things that are important to you might not be important to your date. Your date can tell that you love your children by the look in your eye when the question is asked, so on a first date, talk about something other than your kids.

Final Words: The Confidence of Owning Your Life
Two things to remember about dating as a Single Parent in general.

First off, start dating only when you are ready. Don’t try to push dating if you are coming from a place of neediness or are equating dating with your self-esteem. It might sound like a good idea, but chances are you’ll learn some lessons the hard way. Trust me, attractive members of the opposite sex will be available for dating any time you are ready. So, kick back and have the confidence in yourself that you’ll know when the time is right. And if you’re ready to get out there, use the tips and techniques I mentioned in this article. If you’re NOT ready to date, don’t sweat it!  Because you’re a single parent, there is a chance that you might not have dated in quite a while. If this is the case, remember that the speed you want to take things is up to you.

Secondly, remember that you are the creator of the story of your life.  Even these tiny “coffee dates” or even a night out are ways that you share yourself with others. And it’s your choice to be there! Ultimately you are the owner of your life, and it’s up to you to choose who you date, when you date, and how often you date.

Keep in mind that dating doesn’t mean you are in a relationship. And just because we’ve had relationships in the past that didn’t work out doesn’t mean that we’re doomed to a life of being single! Also remember that sometimes it just nice to connect with people on a friendship level.  Overall, remember to have fun! If you aren’t having fun, it’s not worth the effort is it?

About the Author

Tom lives in NE Portland where he works in IT and plays with his five year old daughter He’s the author of the Single Parent Survival Guide available at www.SingleParentSurvivalGuide.com and SuperSingleParenting.com.